Introducing Twisted Oak Winery: We Just Got %@#$!-ing Twisted!
Once upon a time, there was a gnarled oak tree on top of a far-away hill that was rumored to have magical powers. Legend has it that the tree was planted by Dionysus, the god of wine, who gave the prophecy that one day, this Twisted Oak would draw a noble and mighty king who, with his queen, would bring great prosperity and joy to the land.
Really? Nope, I made it up. You’ll have to forgive me, these Twisted Oak wines have me feeling kind of Twisted lately. Well, it’s not entirely made up — there is a 300 year old gnarly oak tree on a hill in far-away Calaveras County, CA, after which nearby Twisted Oak Winery is named. The winery is ruled with great prosperity and joy by a Twisted guy named El Jefe and his Queen Mary, who together have put their own special Twist on winemaking.
Sure, all winemakers have their own unique characteristics and idiosyncrasies — what could possibly be so Twisted about Twisted Oak? Fear not, gentle reader — I have prepared a list for this very occasion!
The Top 10 Most Twisted Things About Twisted Oak Winery:
- Women’s halter tops with “Wine Rack” emblazoned across the chest.
- A Viognier with tasting notes on the bottle derived from tne Gilligan’s Island theme song– Just sip one glass and you’ll hear a tale…
- A fancy Rhone-style white blend that was so %@#$!-ing good, they named it %@#$!.
- Rubber chickens that magically appear in random shipping boxes containing Twisted Oak wines. Don’t worry, we have treated all of WineQ’s boxes with rubber chicken repellent.
- A Port named after El Jefe’s mild-mannered alter-ego, Jeff Stai — It’s called “Pig Stai Pour’t.”
- Winery staff titles like National Wine Pimp Daddy, “The Guy Who Understands $$$ & Gov’t *%#&@!” and the Chief Stomper & Rock Star (which is none other than Fermento the Magnificent!)
- On the drive up to the winery, a “SLOW: Adults at Play” yellow street sign, featuring a frolicking pedestrian-guy yielding a wine bottle in one hand and a glass in the other.
- Something about a $500 gold-plated vibrator.
- A bitter turf-rivalry (slight exaggeration) between Twisted Oak and Smith-Wooton over whose Tanner Vineyard Syrah is better. Well, what do you think? Is it Twisted Oak’s or Smith-Wooton’s?
- The rubber chicken started as a Twisted science experiment to create a rocket-propelled wine delivery service, but the chicken kept drinking all the bottles:
(Photo by John Costill)
- 2004 Calaveras County Tempranillo ($23.99) - No, gringo, it doesn’t rhyme with pillow. It’s pronounced “Temp-rah-nee-oh” and it’s a Spanish varietal that, with its hint o’ clove and flavors of cherry and raspberry, is sure to knock your calcetines off until you cry “¡Tio!”
- 2005 Silvaspoons Vineyard Verdelho ($15.99) - A unique wine made from a Portuguese white grape, this bad boy is very reminiscent of Sauvignon Blanc and won Best of Show in two separate competitions.
- 2005 Sierra Foothils %@#$! ($23.99) - We still don’t know where to put this %@#$! — maybe the “Wine’s that Need their Mouths Washed Out with Soap” category? I definitely need my mouth washed out with the creamy flavors of pear & truffles and aromas of butter & peach in this fancy Rhone-style blend.
- 2005 Calaveras County Viognier ($21.99) - Made with the grapes from 5 different vineyards, this is a wine that gets around! You’ll appreciate its fairly-dry flavors of peach, grapefruit, clove and touch o’ oak.
- 2004 Tanner Vineyard Syrah ($31.99) - Watch out, Smith-Wooton — This wine seeks to trump your position as #1 (and only) Tanner Vineyard Syrah on WineQ! You can’t go wrong with raspberry, pepper, leather, rhubarb, strawberry and vanilla, all rolled into one wine.
- 2004 Silvaspoons Vineyard Petite Sirah ($23.99) - Made from 100% Petite Sirah grapes, with blueberry flavors — Yum!
By now, you should have a good grasp on what makes Twisted Oak Winery so damned Twisted (don’t squeeze too hard!), and I hope we haven’t scared you too badly. Then again, at the risk of harm and/or offense to those around you, I hope you’ve caught a little of the Twisted spirit yourself. You may find yourself becoming a little Twisted too, but you’ll never be disappointed by the very unique and noteworthy wines available from Twisted Oak.
